Last Sunday the woman offering the closing prayer in church asked for the ability to show gratitude in the trials we face. In light of what Jake and I have been going through the last two weeks, this struck my attention and pierced my heart. Two weeks ago today, I miscarried our little boy at 16 weeks. Honestly, talking about it with anybody but Jake has been really hard for me. I know that when I am trying to offer support to somebody I love when they are dealing with a tragedy, well, frankly its awkward. I never know what to say, and offering advise or the cliche encouraging words never seem genuine enough.
With that said, there have been so many wonderful friends and family members that have said something that offered comfort. They've dropped by dinner when I realized I hadn't eaten more than a granola bar all day. Flowers were left on the doorstep almost every day for the last two weeks, and being the first home decor items placed in the kitchen, it made my house start feeling 'homey'. Some friends
texted me a one line message of love and support that brightened my day more than I'm sure they ever thought it would. And, in a successful effort to cheer me up, my best friend, Erin, asked me to be her Maid of Honor in her wedding next summer.
But, even with the incredible people we have in our lives, it still hurts. A lot. And about the time I think that I am feeling better and moving forward, I have a day where it seems like everything happened five minutes ago. I guess that's the nature of grief...and it's excruciating.
I was not really sure how to post about this, or if I even wanted to. It seemed too personal, but at the same time this is the only record I keep of my life, and I felt it was important to do
something. Then, that line from the prayer I heard came to mind and gave me an idea. I am going to post today about the gratitude I have for the blessings that have been given to me throughout this experience. Hopefully it will be uplifting for those who read and it will be something I can reflect on when I wake up and feel its going to be one of those days that knocks me back to square one in dealing with this.
First and most importantly, I'm grateful for Jake. I wish I was a better writer so I could
adequately express how incredibly amazing he is. After five years of being married to this man, this experience has made me realize that I really can love him more than I thought I already could. To list the many, many ways he has been there for me would take weeks. But the last two weeks we reached a level in our relationship we didn't know was there. One that handed us a whole new perspective on what it truly meant to be an eternal family. He is my rock, and I truly could not imagine myself ever being without him. I love him, and am certain I will never doubt the strength of our relationship or ability to survive anything we face as long as it is together.
I'm grateful for the doubts that have been erased as to whether or not I'm ready to be a mother. After the positive pregnancy test, there were many fears, and even reservations on my ability to take on parenthood. I know now that I can care and love a child. I am ready for the challenges and blessings motherhood promises.
I'm grateful to have my testimony in my Heavenly Father and his plan for me tested. I know that sounds strange, but it has always been unusually easy for me to question how much I really believed in God, the plan of salvation, and my purpose here on Earth. I have lived a charmed life, with minimal challenges and very few tragedies. This miscarriage was easily the most traumatic and tragic event in my life, yet almost immediately after it happened I knew, without a doubt, that it was always supposed to work out that way. I had the knowledge that my baby was not to be born on this Earth and had already returned to my Heavenly Father. Never before in my life have I been so sure of my faith.
I'm grateful for the family and friends that I have grown closer to throughout this experience. My mother-in-law and I had an incredible conversation that made me start recognizing these blessings I've written about. My Dad shared an experience he had shortly after the miscarriage that increased my faith and gave me the comfort I was so desperately needing. We truly have amazing people that love and care for us.
I am certain that there are so many more ways I am growing. I know that the Lord truly refines us through these trials and tribulations, and only through pain can we experience the joy. I have faith that the time will come that we will view this as a hurdle we had to jump to reach our end goal. In the meantime, we will hold fast to our knowledge of eternal families and the plan of salvation.
So, to sum it up for our friends and family, thank you for the phone calls, e-mails, and text messages; they truly encouraged us. Thank you for the meals, flowers, cards, and treats; they went a long way into making our house feel like a home. Thank you for the prayers; we've felt ever one of them.
