May We Have Gratitude During Our Trials

Last Sunday the woman offering the closing prayer in church asked for the ability to show gratitude in the trials we face. In light of what Jake and I have been going through the last two weeks, this struck my attention and pierced my heart. Two weeks ago today, I miscarried our little boy at 16 weeks. Honestly, talking about it with anybody but Jake has been really hard for me. I know that when I am trying to offer support to somebody I love when they are dealing with a tragedy, well, frankly its awkward. I never know what to say, and offering advise or the cliche encouraging words never seem genuine enough.

With that said, there have been so many wonderful friends and family members that have said something that offered comfort. They've dropped by dinner when I realized I hadn't eaten more than a granola bar all day. Flowers were left on the doorstep almost every day for the last two weeks, and being the first home decor items placed in the kitchen, it made my house start feeling 'homey'. Some friends texted me a one line message of love and support that brightened my day more than I'm sure they ever thought it would. And, in a successful effort to cheer me up, my best friend, Erin, asked me to be her Maid of Honor in her wedding next summer.

But, even with the incredible people we have in our lives, it still hurts. A lot. And about the time I think that I am feeling better and moving forward, I have a day where it seems like everything happened five minutes ago. I guess that's the nature of grief...and it's excruciating.

I was not really sure how to post about this, or if I even wanted to. It seemed too personal, but at the same time this is the only record I keep of my life, and I felt it was important to do something. Then, that line from the prayer I heard came to mind and gave me an idea. I am going to post today about the gratitude I have for the blessings that have been given to me throughout this experience. Hopefully it will be uplifting for those who read and it will be something I can reflect on when I wake up and feel its going to be one of those days that knocks me back to square one in dealing with this.

First and most importantly, I'm grateful for Jake. I wish I was a better writer so I could adequately express how incredibly amazing he is. After five years of being married to this man, this experience has made me realize that I really can love him more than I thought I already could. To list the many, many ways he has been there for me would take weeks. But the last two weeks we reached a level in our relationship we didn't know was there. One that handed us a whole new perspective on what it truly meant to be an eternal family. He is my rock, and I truly could not imagine myself ever being without him. I love him, and am certain I will never doubt the strength of our relationship or ability to survive anything we face as long as it is together.

I'm grateful for the doubts that have been erased as to whether or not I'm ready to be a mother. After the positive pregnancy test, there were many fears, and even reservations on my ability to take on parenthood. I know now that I can care and love a child. I am ready for the challenges and blessings motherhood promises.

I'm grateful to have my testimony in my Heavenly Father and his plan for me tested. I know that sounds strange, but it has always been unusually easy for me to question how much I really believed in God, the plan of salvation, and my purpose here on Earth. I have lived a charmed life, with minimal challenges and very few tragedies. This miscarriage was easily the most traumatic and tragic event in my life, yet almost immediately after it happened I knew, without a doubt, that it was always supposed to work out that way. I had the knowledge that my baby was not to be born on this Earth and had already returned to my Heavenly Father. Never before in my life have I been so sure of my faith.

I'm grateful for the family and friends that I have grown closer to throughout this experience. My mother-in-law and I had an incredible conversation that made me start recognizing these blessings I've written about. My Dad shared an experience he had shortly after the miscarriage that increased my faith and gave me the comfort I was so desperately needing. We truly have amazing people that love and care for us.

I am certain that there are so many more ways I am growing. I know that the Lord truly refines us through these trials and tribulations, and only through pain can we experience the joy. I have faith that the time will come that we will view this as a hurdle we had to jump to reach our end goal. In the meantime, we will hold fast to our knowledge of eternal families and the plan of salvation.

So, to sum it up for our friends and family, thank you for the phone calls, e-mails, and text messages; they truly encouraged us. Thank you for the meals, flowers, cards, and treats; they went a long way into making our house feel like a home. Thank you for the prayers; we've felt ever one of them.

I'm Baaaack

This is my reaction to our first waterfall hike off the Hana Highway. The tourist book claimed it was a 'short jaunt'...but this 'jaunt' quickly turned into a horrifyingly small cliff side trail that offered no guardrail, rope, or anything else to stop me from plummeting to my death 1000 feet below. Jake thought my squatting down into a crawl position was humorous...but that's because he didn't realize I was sitting like this because I about peed my pants.

Holy cow, we leave for one week and it seems like the whole world fell apart while we were living in Paradise. North Korea blew up a Nuclear bomb; Priests are getting arrested at college graduations; and oh yes newest results show that Boston and New York are falling into the ocean within the century due to the melting Greenland glacier...and I got all this from ten minutes of Foxnews.

In any case, we are back and catching up on the numerous things you always seem to fall behind on while you're gone. What's confusing is that it seems like there's even more work than there was before we left...like there is an even higher abundance of dirty clothes in my laundry room, the spoiled food in my refrigerator has grown exponentially in only a week of not being opened, and my desk has three times the amount of papers stacked on it. It's like the little vacation elves visited my laundry room while I was gone and threw all our clothing in the hamper just to screw with me.

But, there is always a bright side to every dark cloud, and mine is that I'm still in the 'Hang Loose' attitude from our trip and I could really care less. So, I will be living in my own filth until I snap out of it...or Jake gets more motivated than I am to clean. Either way, we're heading home for a '24' marathon so Jake and I can catch up to the current season. Since we're only starting Season 3, we'll be camped out on our couch for a while. But how else are we supposed to celebrate buying our first big screen??

9 Days and Counting....

No...nothing baby related. A week from Saturday Jake and I hop on a direct flight to Maui for seven glorious days of bliss. Living in Alaska for four years (I cannot believe it's been that long) and never vacationing in Hawaii is practically a sin against the state.

Since last May, we have been working ourselves day and night on the house, and now that we have closed on our refinance and all pressure is off we are ready to party hardy...which for us means a Coke with possibly a shot of cherry flavoring...we'll see how crazy we feel.

In any case, this will be our first vacation we have taken that requires flying, not visiting family or attending family functions, and where Jake doesn't spend the majority of it in appraisal continuing education classes. There's sure to be lots of pictures when we get back~ but for now I'm just looking forward to a week where the biggest decision I will have to make is what swimsuit to wear and where to eat.

Coming to a Hospital Near Us This November

Our exciting news was posted on Facebook yesterday, but just in case there are few of you that don't use Facebook, we are pregnant! The due date is 11-23-09, and we just couldn't be happier that it all timed itself perfectly for us to finish the house just in time for me to be exhausted every day at 2pm. I have to say though, at 10 weeks, the pregnancy Gods have been very very nice to me. No morning sickness, no upset stomach, not even horrible fatigue (for the most part). I'm knocking on wood as I type this for fear of belated symptoms, but this whole thing seemed so abstract...until my ultrasound yesterday that showed a real baby with arms and legs. After our first ultrasound, I had a picture of a dot, but now I have a true blue picture and it's sort of freaking me out.

Its amazing that after years of trying to get to this point, we could be so shocked and awed, but we are and as it sinks in expect lots of anxious posts filled with questions I would love answers to.

Hello again

I'm not sure if anybody even reads this anymore---hopefully it will make it worth my while if I start posting a little more regularly---like more than once in the last 6 months!

This one will be a short entry as I am, just like the last year, pressed for time. Business is crazier than ever thanks to the incredibly low interest rates. Word to the wise: If you are a homeowner and can refinance, CHECK INTO IT! Even if you think you have a great rate when you bought a couple years ago, chances are if you've purchased in the last four years or so there's a good possibility you could save quite a bit in your monthly payment because rates are as low as 4.5% for a 30 year fixed rate. And I'm not even in the mortgage business anymore; considered me an informed third party. :)

In any case, the house is coming down home stretch, and for those that want pictures you will just have to wait until I chisel off the layer of sawdust, mud, paint, etc. that accumulats on EVERYTHING in the house daily since we are still finishing up the two bedrooms in the existing part of the house. But, I can tell you it looks better than Jake and I ever imagined it would and absolutely can't wait to move in full time and quit working on the house!

In a couple weeks I will post pictures and update y'all on what has been happening in our lives for the last 6 months. Eating McDonalds, working on the house and doing appraisals is the short story so let's see if more thinking won't give me more exciting news...

Rain Rain Go Away

AGH! This last summer has appropriately been named "A Bummer of a Summer", but this is getting ridiculous. I can count on one hand how many times the temperatures flirted with the 70s, but that's not even what's gotten my undies in a twirl. I CANNOT STAND THE RAIN ANY LONGER!
If you could choose the worst possible summer to try to build a house, I would nominate this one. It has been a never ending game of waiting until the rain stops for a few hours, running home from the office, changing into grungy clothes and rushing through the siding, roofing, or painting on the outside until the rain begins again. The other night I was so desperate when we finally had a clear day that lasted into the night I used my Dad's incredibly bright utility lamp and painted half the trim on my house well into the dark hours just because it wasn't raining. Nothing like painting by flashlight to brighten your spirits.
In any case, for a status report on the house, the siding is on with the exception of the cedar shake accents we are using on the top of the cables (you can tell where the accent siding will be in the picture where plywood remains), the exterior paint has been finished (even though the picture below is pre-paint) and the front door has been trimmed out. The front door is my favorite part of the outside of this house, and it looks fantastic with base color and trim painted on it. Once I finish painting the actual door, I'll post more pictures next week. For now, here is a before and somewhat recent picture on the progress. If any of you know where I can match the original purple siding with the pink accent trim, I would greatly appreciate it. I think that will be the most missed feature from the original house.
So, it's on to the roof to finish the outside and then we'll be done with our fight with mother nature (this year). In the meantime, be sure to do any anti-rain dances you might know of and send the clear skies up our way...

BEFORE

AS OF LAST WEEK

Can't Stop 'Till I Get Enough

Lately I have been quite the political junkie. What very little time I do have is spent tuning into Foxnews and CNN. I know what you are thinking, "Bonnie, why in the world would you watch CNN, who is very apparently left-wing liberal, and watch Foxnews, a channel that all but runs pro-McCain ads through their oh-so-Republican shows and news reports?

The answer is simple. I love drama... and this election fills that vice for me daily. I don't know what else you can say about it. Between the surprise VP pick (who happens to be my govenor), the outrage it's gotten from so many democrats, particularly the self-proclaimed feminists, the attack ads (coming from both parties), the whining about the opponent's attack ads, the VMA award controversy with that weird dude with the weird hair that they allowed to host, The View with Whoopie and Barbara in all of their glory vs. Cindy McCain, I COULD GO ON FOR HOURS!!! Who needs Grey's Anatomy or The Hills when you have the 2008 Presidential Election?

It's not enough for me to see one side of this fight, either. I have to see the latest accusation, and after watching hours and hours of the breaking news story that is surely going to bury the candidate, I tune to the other channel and watch hours of closely reported arguments against the accusation.

I hated my political science class in college, but the recent events that keep my glued to the boob tube have got me rethinking my major. I can't imagine where I could get this much excitement in accounting!!